My heart's in it

This is my life.

It all boils down to one small insignificant mass of text.

Whether it be my daily schedule, or the words I write that split my heart in two and leave me bleeding on the floor. I am beginning to realize that, this is where I live. Somewhere in the text that defines me.

Perhaps not me. But there is something, something so powerful in words that I can't describe and it makes me feel weightless. And I don't have to be anything. I don't have to try to understand it or realize anything. I just have to understand in my heart that this... this is what is sincere. Honest, and complete and truly most sincere.

There is nothing that makes me feel more... content. Then just... ripping out my heart and holding it above this page so that it can bleed out and form all these words inside it that are dying to be free.

How is it that, one... simple... non-"categorizable" form of... freedom. Is so important and so... liberating.?

But, this is what I've realized.

Writing is a zorse. It's not art, it's not science, it's not math, it's not anything. It's a little bit of everything, but nothing wants to accept it as it's own. It doesn't fall into any category.

I am a zorse. I'm not an artist, or a politician, or a musician, or a sorority girl, or a friendly adversary, I'm nothing... and everything.

I'm writing. I'm words, all of them. I'm a deixis and a complete mess.

I don't know which way is up or the map of my own head.

I am writing. I am words.

I am what I am.

My heart is so into every word that I cannot begin to express the way it feels to even know words.

I love writing. It loves me.

This is my heart, spilled out onto pieces and pieces of paper, paragraphs of emotion, or acute despair and truly amazing realization.

This is me. All of it. Every last piece of clause, and sentence, and grammar. It's all me.

I am words. I am writing.

It is my heart.

What's in it for me?

I sat down today thinking that I was pretty much done writing.

Who am I kidding. I'm fairly certain that this is what I was born to do with my life. And whether or not I do it is up to fate, but this is my passion. Sadly, it remains my secret.

Sometimes I wish that I could share my love of the written word with others, but I feel as though this is not a noted skill or art. It seems like I'm too... something to be a writer. Or writers are too something that I am not.

All that aside.

I want to talk about me for a minute.

In fact... a lot of minutes.

I like ducks and pigs and lots of farm animals, but usually only in cartoon form.

I don't like the texture of yogurt and

I HATE mushrooms being ill-prepared for something.

I like to create. And if I could major in anything it would be creation.

Where along the road to people start to know these things about you.

Do they ever know you as well as you know.

Can they immediately think to themselves, ah she won't like that or she will LOVE that. And be right at least 75% of the time? I think that somewhere along the road, you meet people that will know alot about you. And you will meet people that couldn't give 2 shakes of a lambs tale if you got hit by a car tomorrow. There will be people who come in and out of your life, and there will be times that you wish someone had stayed. However, there will always be someone new. Someone who will be there to listen. And someone who will take that time to make it worth your time.

There are things in life that we do for us. And there are things we do in life that we do just for the hell of doing, and there are things we do in life for others.

Why is the difference between the three so convoluted? And why is it such a bad thing to do something for yourself?

I think that in my life, I want to do as much stuff that I want to do as possible. The only person that is going to be around for the rest of my life is me. I have been living with myself forever, and will continue to, even if everyone else I know is gone. So why wouldn't I want to make myself the happiest? Maybe that's selfish, in fact, it probably is. But let's think about it this way.

If you spend your entire life, doing things for other people, while in turn, none of it benefits you other than "the feeling of doing something for someone else". Even if it's something you don't want to do. You will constantly be doing things that you don't want. and giving up opportunities! Why is that conducive to a healthy life?

I think that the only person who is truly looking out for me... is me. And if everyone is looking out for themselves... which they normally are, who is looking out for me? And when the shit hits the fan, who is there to back me up? yeah.... exactly.

I think that in all, there is only one way to make your life worth living. And that's doing what makes you happy. And if it doesn't make you happy. Then find something else that does. Because there are enough things in the world, that's for sure.

Don't drink the water

My face is hot.

so hot i think it may melt clear off my face.

why did you take my heart if this was going to be the

sad and broken end?

Here I am, no face,

just a blank slate.

A blank slate that used to look at you

and wonder how anyone could be so beautiful

and wonder how I got so lucky to have

you look me clear in the face and tell me

you loved me.

what happened to those days?

Can't you see my cry?

Is it raining there?

Cuz it's pouring here. Pouring Pouring rain.

And I've got a knot.

A knot all tied up inside me that I can't unravel.

Dear god,

stop this from happening.

Why do I force myself into a place where

I feel THIS way.

I forget what it's like to smile.

What it's like to have

that warm feeling.

You know that feeling.

The one the melts and oozes out

hot juice whenever you look at me.

when you looked at me.

Goodbye darling.

I won't live with this notion

that I can't be a better person than I am now.

I won't live this life.

Not again.

Wish.

Where are you now?

While I sit here with a lump in my throat, where are you?

What are you doing, home by your lonesome

while I'm here by my lonely.

And don't you wish you could be here?

Didn't you say you would when times got hard?

Don't you wish you could take that back?

Maybe wish I didn't remember,

because then you couldn't remember all the empty promises

you made to me.

Sure I know disappointment.

Yeah, I know what it feels like to be let down.

But I can't believe you were the one to show me

what betrayal felt like.

What it felt like to be given the cold shoulder

when all I needed was the heat of your heart.

Is this what you call tough love?

Is this what you meant?

Because this is what I call heartbreak.

And I didn't expect it from you.

No,

I didn't see it from you.

And I wish I hadn't believed you.

I wish I didn't remember the shallow promises.

Because then I wouldn't remember this feeling

of wishing you had never walked in.

What do you do when you're away?

What do you do when you're away?

When I can't hear your heart beat.

When I can't feel how it keeps in

perfect synch with mine.

What do you do when you're off again?

When you're off on another adventure

far from me and my tattered heart.

What do they say to you?

What did they say that made you laugh,

that made you look at me and

forget.

What does it feel like?

What does it feel like to have 2 beating hearts?

Right there in your chest,

mine right next to yours?

Tell me,

Does it hurt when you have

a fleeting memory from that

one tiny insignificant thing,

that made you think of me?

Tell me,

Does it hurt to know

that I'm hurting?

Tell me,

What does it feel like

To have one beating heart,

and one breaking.

What do you do when you're away?

What do you feel in the moments

when I can't feel your heat

and you can't feel mine.

What do you do when you're off again?

Off again with them,

and those pearly whites spread

clear across your face.

What do they say to you?

That keeps you so far from home.

That keeps you away from my heart.

What does it feel like?

What does it feel like, to know that

when you come home,

I'll already be gone.

I hope it was worth what you did

while you were away.

Determining.

I have been alive for 18 years, 7 months, 11 days, and 12 hours. Given, that was my exact moment of birth, not necessarily when I was conceived. For that I could not give a specific time. And I am quite thankful for that actually. But in the 18 years, 7 months, 11 days, and 12 hours that I have been a physical being on planet earth, I have learned many things.

I wish to share 3 of them right now.

perhaps 4. we'll see.

1. It is easy to forgive.

-Those who don't forgive have miserable lives. How could you possibly go through your life being intolerable of those who make mistakes. Everyone screws up. It's human nature. As shakespeare said way back in the day. "To err is human." However, those who cannot find in their hearts to forgive and move on from the err of others, I feel sorry for. It is simple consideration for others, and it is a sign of understanding. It's not fair to expect people to not mess up, and to not be okay with them messing up. To blow off the scale like the San Andres Fault is peculiar and slightly inhumane. Understanding is a basic human attribute. One that takes practice to perfect, but one that is significantly important.

2. Love is all powerful

-I have seen love. True love. And I have seen the love that people fake. I have seen love for material things, and imaginary things. Love for animals, music, art, sex, whatever. But true love, is all powerful. And regardless if that true love is a person or your bottle of jaeger, whatever you love the most is what you WILL sacrifice the most for. Now, we can all hope that someone won't have found a true love before we walk into their lives, and then we can take over that passion. But some, some already have a love deeply engrained in the fibers of their beings. But this should not be taken lightly, for some, it is the love of power, or money, not something so innocent as music or bubbles. Love can change someone, in fact, it usually does. And it is a drug. It's addicting, it is the most incredible high. It completely fills you from head to toe with the most powerful joy you have ever felt. And it washes over you, and it's the best feeling, in the whole world. That is a fact. What is frightening, is the extremes it can take you to. Love can make you a monster, sometimes a good one, like Shrek, other times, not so much. But regardless, it is the most powerful thing on earth. And I swear, only when we can figure out how to harvest love, can we get rid of the power of money.

3. Life is a challenge

-There is nothing easy about life, and whoever begs to differ, is ignorant. Life is about struggle, and failing, and winning, and decisions, and confusion, and bewilderment, excitement, and sorrow. It is everything all wrapped up into one. It is everchanging. There is nothing predictable about life, and those who try so desperately to control it are in for a very hard and disappointing ride. That's why you have friends, and family. They are the ones who help you through your life, make the good parts better and the bad parts not so bad. And you, in turn, help them. It is hard, to make it through life, but everyone does.

4. Listen.

This is the most important thing I have learned in my whole life. There is nothing more important than listening. And not just hearing, but actually listening. It is hard to do. To try and turn off your brain while someone is speaking, and just actively listen to what they are saying. Be in tuned to how they are feeling and relate to them. This is so difficult for so many people, even I still struggle with this. But it's about not being selfish. Thinking AFTER someone speaks, not about what you're going to say to them before they are even finished. Just stop. Breathe. And listen. And not just to people. Listen to yourself. Your surroundings. Your body. Pay attention. All the small things can become very big things. And life becomes easier to handle, when you know what you're doing. Slow down. Not everything is a race. Regardless of what America says. It's okay to just be.

In 18 years, 7 months, 11 days, and, well... 12 hours and 15 minutes now, I have learned many things. But especially these things. And they are important in my life, and perhaps the lives of others.

Something Deep About Commitment...

I haven't so much as even considered that people may have felt differently about what it meant to be in love and the steps that are the regiment of feeling that way. I thought it was always, boy meets girl, boy falls head over heels for girl, boy and girl are in love, boy and girl get married, have babies, live happily ever after, and die in each others arms. True? maybe for some. Probably not for most.

It seems as though in this country, girl meets boy, girl has sex with boy, boy decides if the sex is good enough to stick around, boy and girl get married because the girl will leave him if they don't, boy and girl have babies, boy and girl decide they hate each other, spend hundreds in counseling, before getting divorced and feebly attempt to "out-parent" the other, while screwing up their kids beyond recognition.

Either that or they star on MTV's 16 and Pregnant.

I think that the most important thing for anyone to realize is love, and what it means, and that it's unique to each and every person. For me, love it the phone call I make because I want to share my utter joy with someone else, who will be just as happy as me. I want to be able to be myself in no other estranged manner and be loved as much as if I had just given you a million dollars and BP's head. I want you to challenge me, and not back down. I need strength, more than my own. I need sensitivity. And I think most of all, I need respect.

Which leads me to my next point. I think that this is why love varies for different people. The level of respect, determines how the relationship will play out. If a person is raised with much in their family, they generally expect much, and vice versa. Which is why in movies, we are always so excited when two people of polar opposite households unite. This has been the case for generations, and occasionally people change, but, in the words of the beautiful and astute Justin Long, "That is the exception, not the rule".

This brings me to marriage. I think that marriage is a bond, just like anyone else. But the reasons behind it are much different than the norm may perhaps define it. If you are not associated with a religion, or perhaps even in some cases, if you are, marriage is less about a union before god, and more about the love and mutual respect you have for one another. Marriage is a declaration. Dear World, I am so very in love with this person, and I wish to be forever united with him or her and share this love with you, until I die. A bold and brave commitment to just willy-nilly make, as is the American way. The big party, the hors d'oeuvres, the music and alcohol aside, a wedding is about love, being in love, and sharing love with those you love, and marriage is the same without the fun stuff. It's just as much about love as it is about working together and respecting each other and committing to each other.

Which seems to be a hard thing for people to understand, as if without alcohol, there is no more enchantment, (which is partially true...). But divorce is on the rise. Why? Because people don't understand that marriage, or the bond of love, is not perfect, and it takes a lot of hard work. It requires tender care. It seems as though at the first sign of a rough patch, they bolt. In the words of the wise Will Smith on his marriage, "If you let divorce be an option, you will get divorced". And the American fall back is, well, if i doesn't work out, you can always get divorced! How is that okay? How can marriage remain this "sacred" bond if the "try and try again" method comes standard, like a crappy transmission in a chrysler? It doesn't seem fair to have to double standard in marriage and hypocrisy, when some people actually take it seriously.

However, I truly believe that the real celebration should occur on anniversaries. The celebration should be, look how long we've been together, fought together, laughed together, lived together, loved together. Not necessarily the actual wedding day. Or maybe perhaps, the celebrations should become more intimate. As love grows and grows, as it should with time and age, it's something that you can't nearly express with a party and some cheap booze. It's a very personal and intimate bond that only you and your partner know.

Regardless of how it is celebrated or enjoyed or even carried out, marriage is about love. True and honest, respectful, mutual, undying love. There is a purity as well as a rawness to it that can't be described by anything or compared to anything else. But, it's what keeps this world going 'round. That, lust, and money.

What did you do today?

this is a black tarp, but the gleam is sharp, from the sun that burns and churns and returns with more light than you thought it would ever produce, and excuse after excuse keeps you staring at its shine as time is tick tocking away and before you know it its another day that you wasted away. but the city is still gleaming, beaming, streaming for more life than you knew what to do with, so you sit, watch, listen, create another situation with no eventual destination, and you're wondering where did everything go? flew by me, beside me, inside me no more as i watch the shine fade past the last fast cast of its shadow, and its dark. and im wondering where in the hell it all went, sent to a place far from here. Where there is nothing to hear. There is no noise to cloud its life like it does here in mine, when all my thoughts get melted together and swelter in the sun, the burning sun that torches my skin and makes it hot to the touch. And much of what is left you can't use or choose to abuse, because its all run dry. And thats why I, am licking my lips with the spit from the tip of my tongue that would otherwise keep my mouth lucid for words and herds of rants and chants and other banter to fall out in coherent sentences. But the city is dark today and my thoughts in my head are lonely without the thoughts that I sent away. Oh why did I ever do that, I stranded my mind with itself and that was the biggest mistake out of any I've made, and Jesus CHRIST knows thats a lot. But maybe they are happy closer to the sun where they are warm in the bake away from my baked brain that just sits and splits and rips on the innocent as they carry on their days in the lonely dark and angry world that they have been subjected to that i escape in my rain of mary jane, away from the dismal pain of what you call... LIFE. And its fine with me that you may sit there and judge, and re-judge me as you hear these words tossed and double crossed in your gourd with your hoard of battled rattled and otherwise twisted thoughts of what you assumed this was all meant to be. Meant to be for you? or for me... Because the black tarp is burning me and turning me into a zombie just like the rest of the creatures that eat'cher brains for meals. Where is the creative spark in the life you chose to pose to the world you claim to be the same as utopia? Where is the life that promises the world to curled up babies in their mommy's laps? Where is the joy in the art of expression and depression and obsession of love? How do we live without these things and still call it life... Because life, is not under the black tarp. Its away from the harp of words from a drone on the tube that you watch while your time tick tocks and knocks thunderous raps on your door. What do you have to show for what was given to you? What did you do today?

Joe?

It's something, It's something.
It always something.
But when I take a step back, I look at this.
What has become of this?
What is left?
And I wonder if it's the same and I wonder if the changes are okay.
I wonder where in the world, infatuation goes.
And how you know if you can love more than just a moment.
I love many moments.
Many details in time.
In the fabric of our lives.
I love time.
I love what time has given me.
I love the fact that my time comes and goes.
And I love the way it floats around me.
I love the way it cradles me.
But most of all I love the way it leaves
precisely when I need it too.
Time is fleeting.
Always know this.
But without it,
I wouldn't even be debating with my self.
I would already know.
And it would be so easy.
Because I wouldn't remember the river.
Or the woods.
Or the sand between my toes.
I love time.
And I love all the gifts it gives me.

Fox News and Glenn Beck.

Fuck you.
Seriously. you need to shut the fuck up. There is nothing important that EVER comes out of Glenn Beck's mouth, or off of Fox news in general. All that channel is for, is fucking up the United States.
Let's take a step back.
How the FUCK can you sit there and say all these things about how the left side is so fucking radical. Have you listened to yourself? seriously... You sit there and try and act all truthful and heartfelt and try to make people believe the "right" argument. While you're blowing the left side way out of proportion and making radical claims about the left side. Like, are you kidding me? How can you be so fucking hypocritical? Don't sit there and point fingers at people when your hands aren't clean. Dear Fox News, don't tell me that I'm wrong for actually listening to what people say on BOTH sides. There is never anyone who is completely correct. The reason things ever get fucked up is because there are two different views on one subject. So don't TELL me you know everything. On the other hand, Glenn Beck.
KLAJSDF;LKJASDFLKJASDFKJASDFNASDFNAS;DNAS;LDFJASDFJAS;DLFJASD;KFJ
Why the fuck are you even ALIVE!? seriously. You sit up there and blow everything out of proportion. All the innocent people who watch this fucking channel, I feel bad for them because they have to listen to your stupid fucking rant. Do i completely disagree with everything you say? no. Sometimes, you have something good to say. Thanks for that. However, don't run your mouth about things that are actually positive and fuck them up while making assumptions and generalizations about the American people and the Democratic party. Is there no common sense? Do you honestly believe everything you say? Because half of it is contradictory and the other half is just bullshit. Nothing that is said in the entirety of your show, should be taken literally, because like you ALWAYS say, "It's not the truth". Just do the world a favor, and find a new fucking job. Maybe you should try teaching, since you seem so fucking good at that, and education is so fucking important. Or maybe you should try border control, that might be fun. You have no fucking hope in the american people, and that's one of the biggest problems with the fucking Republican party. You sit there and criticize us, and crush our fucking hopes. What makes you think, that we will EVER grow our economy or become a better country, while people like you are on TV shitting on us. I know that works for me, telling me that I fucking suck at being a person and that I'm fucked for life really gets me going on the getting motivated train. Are you kidding? Blow your head off. Kurt Cobain that shit, because I'm sick of it. You're sarcastic attempt at humor and exaggeration is stupid. None of it makes sense. You're ridiculous sir. You are. you and your whole fucking show.
On my next point, i would like to say to the American population.
Don't be a fuck. Listen to what the fuck people are saying. and use your fucking heads. Because half the shit that is out there needs to be sorted and listened to very carefully. Nothing is true the way that it comes. It is just the way one person perceives it. Fuck. even this is the way i see it. But, you know what? Maybe, just maybe, in the grand scheme of things, each person can focus, I don't know... on life, instead of who said what and pointing fingers. Glenn Beck an Fox are fuckbags because they don't take any responsibility. Glenn Beck and the producers of Fox, jump in their fucking mercedes and drive to their mansions and scoff at people who have less than them, and yet point fingers at people who give. Don't sit there and tell me I suck, when I work... HARD for everything I have, and I try to live my life in a way that is good for myself and others. Sorry I'm not a fuck. But you know what, the point is, that none of this will even matter. More than half of what is going on in the news won't even matter in the next few years, or even the next few months, because the American population has a serious case of ADD. So, all of this is just pissing people off. Why? so you feel empowered and better about yourself? shut up. Why can't you just be nice. Deal with shit and move on. There is no purpose is being a dick, other than.. being a dick. Good job. I hope your mommy is proud that she gave birth to a fucking asshole. Congrats. Go die Glenn Beck.

Addicted to the Light.

Maybe it's the rain.
I'm not quite sure.
Maybe it's the lack of sunshine.
Maybe it's just something in the air.
Maybe it's the fact that I have a moment to sit here and think.
Just think.
But you know what?
You know WHY this feels so different?
It's the light.
When I sit here at this table, I can feel the incandescent lights shine down on me.
And it makes me feel.. well, light.
I can't really describe what it feels like to have something shine in you.
But that's what it feels like.
Using my best words, I would say...
It's like standing naked outside wrapped in a clean sheet on a warm june day with the one you love.
It's bliss.
It's unaltered joy.
That's what I feel in the light.
In the summer, with the sun shining down on my face.
It's like being wrapped in sunshine.
A sunshine hug.
hahahaha.
yeah.... a sunshine hug.
that's what it is.

It's like morning in my eyes.

Good morning world.
Happy to see you too.

I forgot how beautiful the world looked as sunrise.
So fresh and new.
It's like welcoming me back into the world.
Especially in the spring.
there is nothing like it.
the air is crisp and clean.
it's inspiring.
it makes me feel like waking up
and going for a run.
and then doing laundry and hanging it out on the clothesline.
It feels like nothing else.
How can I be missing this feeling everyday?
How did I not know what this felt like... everyday.
Alas, I opt for sleep over the sun peeking into my
unprepared eyes.
But not today.
No.
Today I welcome the sun.
Let it bath and wash over me.
Let it take my eyes and make them shine.
and just breathe.
breathe in fresh new air.
air of a new day.
air of days to come.

Wailing.

I sit here in a cloud, listening to the world
outside my cracked window.
What's that?
screeching brakes.
yeah, i relate to you too.
being forced to stop when you don't want to.
being forced to change.
you wanna just go and go...
but you can't...
so the brakes. they scream
like my heart screams in my chest.
unlike the bus with the squeaking brakes
I don't have someone to tell me what to do.
If I act like a machine will someone treat me like a machine?
If I pretend like what you say and do to me doesn't matter,
dear god,
will you treat me like I don't matter.
And stop letting me think this is fake.
that this is all a lie.
What's this I hear now?
laughter.
what a novel idea.
laughing, isn't it?
i hope that maybe one day I will know
laughter again.
Because here, here in this cloud,
we don't laugh.
we are serious, and we don't know fun
or whimsical frivolity.
we know work.
we know brutality.
and sensitivity eludes us.
can I have my laughter back?
oh but wait,
something new from the cracked window,
A siren?
where is it going?
it's coming closer.
It's coming for me?
Where am I?
How did I get here....
Oh... that's right.
you threw me down here with your words.
your lack of consideration.
and your lack of what i thought was abundant and
never-ending, blissful, jubilant, uninhibited love. for me.
but i guess i let my mind get away from me.
because here i am.
fallen through my cloud onto the cold hard ground.
waiting for you
while the sirens wail and wail
around my head.
you're not coming are you?
i should've known you wouldn't.
I'm too much for you.
I'm too much for anyone.
Isn't that what everyone's said?
Thanks for proving them right.
oh...
and that piece of my heart that you took.
keep it.
I won't need it where I'm going.

welcome to the real world.

why do people think its necessary to be fucking assholes?
like... why is it so difficult to go out of your way... no
not even go out of your way. just to even do one fucking thing for someone else.
like.. is it such an issue to be nice or generous or understanding? do people not have any heart? like...
why is it that majority of the time, im the only person who thinks its a good a idea to be a nice person to others? and im not even a nice person!!! how does it work that cant even catch a break in the only fucking thing im good at?
and people judge before they even know.
like.. you dont know anything about me... or my situation. or how i did what i did or how i got to where i am. so dont think you do. you dont know ANYTHING. you are so arrogant and just fucking ignorant to other people. so get off your fucking high horse. you are just as idiotic as all the other "stupid" people you see. just because you know alot about salamanders doesnt mean that everyone else is an idiot... it just means you know alot about one fucking thing. congrats.
you're not open minded about ANYTHING!! you think you know everything because you're employed at a fucking public state university. well guess what.... you don't know any more than anyone else in this room. you just know more about one fucking thing. you're just being a fucking cock. congratulations.
oh. and surprise. if you shut your fucking mouth and opened your fucking eyes every once in a while, you might actually learn something. you might not be that one fucking person who is just a dumb bitch in the back of the room with bugged eyes.
just shut the fuck up and listen. you might learn something.
on the other hand.
be compassionate
be sensible
be sympathetic.
just because you think you know how someone feels, you usually don't.
because once again, everyone is different. which means everyone handles things differently.
which means, when i work my fucking ASS off, it means you understand that even though it wasnt up to your expectations, or whatever the fuck, it was still a lot of fucking effort on my part. A lot of work and effort to get what i got. because sometimes when you actually give a shit about your work that's what happens.
I dont expect you to know me. so i dont expect you to go out on a limb and change around your whole policy just for someone you met a week ago and still can't pronounce their fucking name right.
but seriously.. the first time someone fucks up at something they have never done before, doesnt mean you need to punish them to a point where they wish ill things upon you. like.. why would you want that? why would you wnat to put someone in a situation where they are bound to do WORSE because of a punishment that you instilled upon them. wow.
seems like a fucking awesome way to get your point across. good job.
you're a bitch.
in conclusion....
i think that it's very important to be nice to other people. and even if you don't like someone, or you have a poilicy in place, or even if you're just an asshole, its nice to occasionally help someone out. or give them a hand.
or idk... not be a dick.
cuz if you're being a fuck... where is that gunna get you in life?
to the real world?
well... maybe that's your real world.
but if its full of people like you... fucking count me out.
cuz ive had my fair share of assholes.

Set your Goals. not the band.

Dear Self,
stop listening to others.
It is important for you to take the time and evaluate what YOU want in your life.
If it's different for what someone else wants for you. Fuck 'em. The goals you set for yourself are vital to who you are and who you become. If your goals change over time? Then so be it. However, goals are very individual. They reflect what you want to achieve for yourself and what you want to produce. What are you if not a productive human being? Is that not the purpose of life? to set a goal to achieve something and then reach that goal? Go to school. check. graduate. check. be a functioning member of society. check. you know? these things are important. But they are in direct relation to you. what you want to do. they have nothing to do with anyone else. and no one should have a say in what your goals are. they can say what they would LIKE to see you do. what they would LIKE to see you achieve. but in the end, only you have the power to control what things you actually bring to fruition. And sometimes, what is important to one person is very minimal in the eyes of someone else. And they shouldnt try to impose their life or their experiences on you. but that's a rant for a different time.
right now, focus. that means... don't let other people put into place a goal that you won't reach. because you don't have a desire or ambition, or any ability to do so.
think. then act. and dont let others skew you.

with love,
self.

I wanna go with you

Baby, I swear, I miss the way you find what's inside me before I even know. You are my heart and soul, and I'm only whole again when you're here. I miss your smile and the way you blink, I miss the way our hearts beat perfectly in time when I sleep on your chest. Hold me baby, hold me close to you, and promise me that I can stay. Stay here in your arms. You don't know what you do to me, but baby you kill me. But I'd stay here six feet under the earth if you're lying here next to me. Take me wherever you're going, I just wanna be with you. wherever you are. My heart is full of you baby, and it always will be.

Dear UConn...

Dear UConn,

Why are you such a fuck?

Seriously.

There are four inches of snow on the ground, and here in New England, which Connecticut is still a part of, that's called a "Dustin' ". So why in god's name are there so many accidents on the road. And not even on the main road. The fucking campus roads. The speed limit is like 2, how did you get yourself into such a bad accident the AMBULANCE and the FIRE DEPARTMENT need to be called. What were you doing that you got yourself into a pile-up on campus roads? And on top of that... I think that it would be a good idea to get the plow trucks heated up and running BEFORE the snow stops. Like, what were they doing, sittin' around in a circle jerk thinking about how pretty the snow was while they waited for it to get bad enough to get off their asses and come help? awesome. thank you. Oh, and when you do get them started, maybe you shouldn't drive on the sidewalk where people are standing. Maybe you should have thought about this before you decided to barrel down the sidewalk annihilating everything in your path. Because I actually wasn't walking on the sidewalk, thanks. How did you know i wanted to walk in the damn snowbank.

Which brings me to my next point.

If there is an accident or the bus system is, for whatever reason, down, how about you let someone fucking know. So that I don't go out to the bus stop, thinking I can catch a bus when the schedule tells me, just to have to free my tits off waiting for a bus that isn't coming. If I had gotten an e-mail saying, don't count on the buses, they are shit. I would have put on some boots and a winter jacket and reluctantly trudged all the way to the damn art building. But no, instead, I waited over half an hour, in the snow, freezing, waiting for the allusive bus to show. And not only that, because I have had to wait for my fair share of rides in the wintery abyss. But The cops, that have ONE fucking job, didn't do ANYTHING. Like, you are a campus cop. That is one step up from a mall cop. You probably have to wait until your 10th year on the "force" before you even get fucking handcuffs, that I could buy at a fucking sex store. You didn't think, hey, i should probably stop at this bus stop, and tell these kids, that the bus isn't coming. And maybe I should stop being a dick just driving around looking for kids smoking pot. Because I'm pretty sure, that is less of an issue, than the fact that 60% of the campus is late for class today, because you were on "patrol" instead of making, literally a 3 second stop to say, " the bus isn't coming". Like is that really too much to ask?

Which brings me to my next point.

Maybe UConn should be spending less money on a basketball team who can't even beat fucking Michigan or Providence college, and idk... spend it on something that matters, like new buses, that don't SHIT in the middle of a snowstorm. Thanks. Oh, and maybe while you're at it, you could throw some money to the arts, so that when I show up for class, almost an hour late, because your fucking bus system sucks dick under pressure, I could actually have a working easel and drawing board. What a novel idea, putting tuition towards an education and educational supplies versus a bunch of dumb jock frat assholes who don't stand a chance playing more than men's league after they graduate. Thank you UConn, I'm glad to see we have out priorities straightened out.

So, in conclusion, I would like to say, fuck you. And thank you for making snow, one of the small delights in my life, such a miserable fuck. Hope you have a fun time trying to coerce me into giving you another 40,000 dollars of my hard earned money just so you can fuck me in the ass next semester.

Love,

Alysha

Going Public.

Lately it seems that all the world is in baby fever.

Everyone is talking about babies, or having babies, or knows someone who's pregnant or had a baby. What's the deal?

So this is my thought on baby fever.

Take it or leave it.

There is no point in having a child for the sake of having a child. How selfish can you be? So you want to just have a little carbon copy of yourself with someone you hardly know so that you can say you did? It just blows my mind. Why would you WANT to have to do that.

Let's be vulgar for a moment.

You have to endure 9 months of swollen feet, back aches, unpredictable mood swings, bizarre food cravings, fatigue, physical sickness, your body stretching and pulling, lifestyle changes, a multitude of appointments where someone has to cover you in jelly and poke around your vag, people staring, people cooing, inability to wear your clothes, questions questions questions, and so much more! for what? spending hours and hours in an uncomfortable hospital bed, where you have to endure arguably the worst pain of your life, where, if everything goes "well" you'll only have vaginal tearing after squeezing something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a lemon. yay. sign me up.

not to mention all the other crap that you have to deal with in life outside of the physical.

2 months without sex.

9 months without drinking or smoking.

3 months no exercise.

months and months trying to get your body back to how it was before the baby.

I just really and truly do not understand what all the hype is about.

And kids are having kids. why so young? what is the appeal to a 14 year old to even HAVE sex? blood, pain, heartbreak. not exactly a winning combination.

Nevermind a child that poops, eats, sleeps, and screams. that's worse than a puppy and I bet if you gave 80% of teens a puppy they would forget to feed it or get sick of it or abuse it in some way. and that's a puppy! what about a baby? forget about it.

Societal Pressure.

There is a novel idea. girls are getting their periods so much younger than they used to. which is basically the same as a cat going into heat. they become these walking skanks with one mission. And the ones that think its wrong? who cares. Look at the media! look at ANY magazine. the people they see on the disney channel everyday are getting married, having babies, arrested for cocaine. however, disney makes kids believe that the people they see on that channel are the same age as them. newsflash. they are upwards of ten years older than you. they live in an apartment in NY, they drink on a regular basis because its legal, and they have kids because they are married. you? don't have a license. congrats.

seriously.

all that aside. I think that people in general are de-evolving. an idea i heard from a friend of a friend. Back in the old days, girls were married and mothers by the time they were thirteen. and now in the 21st century we arent far off from that number. People are no longer waiting to get married. or waiting to have kids. People are even growing to be much shorter than they were 20 years ago. Perhaps science can figure out what the drastic change means. Or maybe, people are just preparing for 2012 when we all die in a pit of flames. who knows?

But today. right now.

things are out of hand.

getting pregnant wont make him stay with you. and it won't make you popular or any more well-off of well-liked. It might seem like a novel idea, but why wouldn't you wait until you can actually enjoy it? Until your mother won't be disappointed. Until your father won't kick the shit out of the "father". Until you are with someone who thinks you're beautiful even when you're 8 1/2 months pregnant. Until you're old enough to realize that you are Not in fact the only person in the world who matters.

Until you're absolutely ready to be a mom. not just a mother.